You have a high conflict partner? It’s time to build a new relationship with them…
You can create a wonderful relationship between your children and both of their parents.
Making decisions about where your children will live is undoubtedly one of the most difficult and painstaking things that you will have to negotiate, and agree upon, while transitioning through divorce.
If you're a stay-at-home mom, you may spend much of your time with your children. You have been there for all their firsts, you play games with them, take them to school, eat most meals with them, and tuck them into bed each night with feelings of love and peace.
To think about not being with your kids can feel unbearable.
If you are a working parent, you see your kids after work each day, in the evenings you hang out, you enjoy meals together, and you plan fun together on the weekends.
To think about not being with your kids can feel unbearable.
Part of transitioning through divorce means that there are going to be days, and times, when you don't see your kids. Times when you don’t know what they are doing and many moments when you will not be a part of their life in the same way that you once were.
And when you don't know what they're doing, when the communication is limited, when silence replaces all of the little usual conversations that you are used to having, you may feel very alone in the world.
I was a stay-at-home mom. My boys were ages two, four, six and eight when I realized that divorce was the best option for myself and for our family. One of the most difficult things for me was giving up even a moment of my time spent with them.
It took me a lot of unnecessary time, money, and emotional turmoil to realize that my time with the boys was not more important than the time they spend with their dad.
The relationship that they have with me is equally important to the relationship that they have with their dad.
As I began to look at my situation objectively and from my children’s perspective, I began to understand the importance of the relationship that they have with both of their parents.
Visitation with a parent doesn't even make sense.
95% of divorces can be handled outside of the court, with both parents quite capable of spending time with their kids. In these cases, both parents are equally important in a child's life, and both parents deserve the opportunity to build a relationship with their children. (in cases of physical abuse, sexual abuse or neglect other action steps need to be taken)
And then, as children grow into adults, they will determine, on their own, the relationship that would like to have with each of their parents. They will be free to do this because you have made it possible for them.
I know that if you can set your emotions aside, keep your focus on your children and what is best for them, put yourself in their shoes, think about what they would like in their life, you can create a parenting plan with your partner that works best for your family.
Be flexible.
Create a plan for one year and be willing to make changes. For example, if dad wants to spend time on a Saturday afternoon with one of the children, even if that is ‘your time’, why not say ‘yes’. Let dad have some one-on-one time with one of the kids. Maybe he will return the favour one day. Maybe he won't. It doesn't matter.
What is best for your children? What does your child want? Remember who your future self is and then act as your best self in the present.
Love, Wendy ♥