Should I stay in my marriage for the next few years?
Maybe it’s better to wait until the kids are older? Should I leave now?
Maybe we can work things out?
Sitting on the fence, when faced with a difficult decision, is not a comfortable place to be.
Only you can know what is best for your family and what is best for you.
When I knew that divorce was the best choice for my family, my boys were ages two, four, six, and eight. It was agonizing for me to even think about getting divorced. I think it was so painful because of the love that I had for my boys. I believe in family. I believed in getting married once and forever.
Now I also believe in divorce….
I considered myself to be a strong, resilient, and dedicated person and I really struggled with failing in my marriage. How come I wasn’t strong enough to work through the tough times in my marriage? How come all of my friends and everyone in my family seemed so happy and stable in their relationships? I knew that there were tough times in any relationship and that marriage wasn't easy.
You had to "go through the rain to get to the sunshine.”
“Family is everything.” I was not prepared for knowing that divorce was my best option because it was something I had never considered before or thought possible.
Divorce was not an option... Or was it?
Divorce is not my reality. Divorce is my reality. I made every effort to create new family relationships that would allow us all to move forward with love and happiness. I focused on my relationship with dad, the boy’s relationship with their dad, and my relationship with the boys.
I sat on the fence for years. Struggling with the same dilemma…should I stay in this marriage, or should I end it? Dad and I went to counselling and we tried to come to some agreements and hold our marriage together for quite a while, but things were not looking good.
Should I fake it until we make it?
I can't imagine that we will make it. What kind of example was I setting for my children being in this relationship that I knew was not healthy? What was I going to do?
When I thought about my children’s need for security and safety, I was overcome with guilt for considering divorce and tearing apart the only family that they knew and loved.
And when I thought about my need for love and happiness, I felt guilty and selfish. Why are my needs more important than the needs of my boys? This thought process was very difficult for me to grapple with and make sense of.
How could I even consider doing this to my boys? How could I consider turning their lives upside down? What was wrong with me? How is this going to affect my children? Are they ever going to believe in marriage? Are they ever going to believe in true love and what will they believe about family?
Are they going to be able to go through difficult times with their spouse and believe in marriage or are they going to quit and give up?
How can I show them that sometimes relationships don't work out the way that you expect and it is OK?
For the past eighteen years I have spent a lot of time talking to them and showing them that our family is still a family, that mom loves them, dad loves them, and we will always love them. I have shown them how to create a new family relationship, which is great. That sometimes we make difficult choices in life, for the right reasons and out of love.
I don't know whether divorce is right for you or not, but I do know that I can help you to think through a few things, create a vision for your future, shed light on your best self and open your mind to new possibilities.
Only you can know what is best for your family and what is best for you.
Love, Wendy ♥
Ps. If you are considering divorce or if you are ready to transition through divorce with grace, love and clarity, schedule a call with me to apply for a spot as a private client.